"What's up?" I asked.
"Well he had one tequila too many yesterday and the world fell out of his bottom. He picked a fight in the pub and ended up in a savage attack - he went down under a positive fusillade of stab wounds."
"What!" I shouted "All our staff have to have health and safety induction. Had he been induced? Well that's opened a can of beans, hasn't it! He gets right up my goat. We're already stretched from pillar to post with so many frying pans in the fire at the moment, but I don't want this to be a crutch we can hide behind. The show must go on. As always though, the length of compassionate leave Alan gets will be dealt with on a haddock basis."
"There's too much violence around here at the minute. We should press for an emergency statue to be brought in." commented Dave.
"Leave it out for now, Dave." I said. "If brains were chocolate you wouldn't have enough to blow your hat off. I was up 'til four o'clock this morning last night so we'll just burn that bridge when we meet it."
"Well, I just thought" Dave started.
"Stop it! I don't want a day by day blow. You know what thought did, don't you? Shit itself!"
"That's pottle coming from you!" said Dave.
"Look" I said "I'll try to be as clear as a button. Leave it!"
"OK!" said Dave "But don't coming running to me if you break your legs."
After this meaningless interchange I eventually got everyone focused on the main task in hand again - the anniversary celebrations. Apparently during my absence we'd installed Windows NT new technology and Adobe Acrobat 8, a portable PDF document formatter. The only flaw was that our new email server was down again, but Tim was just about to send the company an email to let them know.
However, the piste a'la ristonce was the letter from a past Chairman of the Institution; he even rang me later to put me in the background. He suggested that we resurrect the old custom of holding a national assembly of ISMS members. Great idea, I thought but could we do it?
"How will you make an assembly last all day?" asked Bob.
"We'll do what the society of yo-yo manufacturers did and spin it out!" I replied.
"Where can we hold it?" asked Bob
"Well the 1989 Magna Carta celebrations were held in the Abbey National." said Mary
"Don't you mean Abbey Gardens?" said Dave
"Well, whatever floats your goat!" countered Mary
"Never mind where we hold it." I said "When shall we hold it. It's a big do!"
"Well bonfire night should be quite good with all the new self and hasty regulations." said Bob "But if you want fireworks you'd better hurry, they're selling like hens' teeth."
"Stop bullshitting around the bush." I said. "This is getting us nowhere. I need to bring in Stuart. Mary, what's Stuart's surname?"
"Stuart who?" said Mary
"Leave it. I'll contact Stuart later. For now, we must make some progress. This planning process is turning out to be like painting the Titanic!" I said in my most aggressive tone. "I can't think on an empty stomach. Go out and get something for us to eat, Bob, you look like an emancipated dog. Get some spaghetti in you - we've got a calendar we can drain that into."
"And get some desecrated coconut and chips!" added Dave "I've also got a can in my bottle if you want some!"
Bob left the building and headed for the shops, returning 15 minutes later with a mini-feast.
