"Sorry I'm late" she said "I had an early meeting and had to be up at the crack of nails but I'd forgotten to put my watch back to Greenland Mean Time. Anyhow, is that all I get from you after all this time - a tertiary wave?"
We exchanged pleasantries for a while and caught up with what we had both been doing since we last met, quite some years ago now. She told me how her boss was a bent as a ten pound note and how his mother would pace the walls each night because she was keen to get him into rest bite. She also made one or two derogatory remarks about the ISMS and isms. That's pottle, I thought, but I just treated it with the content it deserved - I'll make sure she has the last laugh. She was always a bit of a clever closet.
"Look" I said "we're going off at a tandem. Let's get this ball on the road and discuss how you can help us plan our celebrations. We're at the last ditch hotel. This planning has been going on for so long now we're going to have to pull our socks out."
"It sounds like you've really burned your breaches." said Miriam "This requires some literal thinking. Can you collaborate a bit more on what you said over the phone?" I did, for the next quarter of an hour or so.
"Good grief!" she said "You have no idea what you've taken on, have you? This is a mammoth task and you've just been chewing at the tip of the iceberg. Something like this needs to be taken to the highest level - and maybe even higher! There's a lot to do but let's not go out and shoot the Devil again. We'll finish breakfast and go somewhere quieter to think this through."
The coffee was quite arid and so after breakfast we quickly moved to the hotel lounge, I think a replay of yesterday's semi-final soccer match was showing on cholesterol TV where, according to the commentator, there was cautious ecstasy from the home team.
"What do you think of the furnishings in here?" she asked
"I don't know," I replied "Furniture is not my repartee! It looks like there's only one good seat and that's knackered. Anyhow, let's keep this discussion on the business in hand. I work in a 365 days a week business and, at the end of the day, I go to work in the morning and come home at night and the critical thinking is that we're on a moveable feast." We sat in two comfy chairs at a low coffee table.
"Ok" she said "planning this ISMS celebration appears to have been like the turtle and rabbit race; it's not worth the salt it's written on. You've been running around like tits in a trance. But softly, softly careful monkey. Life is like a big wheel; just when you think it's all over it comes back and bites you. Perhaps you should have given your Members more say in the plans through on-line tickboxing, for example?" Miriam outlined her initial thoughts for a half and hour or so - occasionally going off on a tandem again.
Quietly, and without drawing too much attention to the break in our discussion, I interrupted Miriam. "Have you noticed that odd fellow sitting over there in the corner, pretending to read a newspaper?"
"Who, the one next to the heated radiator, wearing a Burgerhouse jacket and watching us through a one-eyed telescope?"
"Yes, that's him." I said "Do you know him?"
"Yes" she said "There is a rumour going around that I've taken some top secret files from MFI and he's been following me for days. He's probably just a sheep in wolf's clothing and as soft as claggy tarts but he's been watching me like a shark - even when I've been doing my weekly shopping every day."
I called the waiter over. I don't know why I called him 'over' because his name badge clearly said 'Mario'. "Over", I said "you've been in the job for a while and you must have your feet firmly under the carpet. There's a suspicious-looking character sitting over there who appears to be spying on us. Have you seen him before? Can you evict him from the hotel?"
"Well, sir" said Mario "I don't know him and I can't force him to go but if he really wants to leave the hotel I'm sure we can accommodate him. I'll phone for the police and see if we can't nip this in the bud at the thin end of the wedge. It'll be like the Spanish intuition - nobody expected that! He'll go like a slaughter to the lambs."
"Fine" I said "I hope he gets what he deserves at the end of the crock of gold!"
We sat in semi-silence for a few minutes until a police constable and a woman WPC entered the lounge. They went straight to the man who had been spying on us and challenged him like a bullet in a china shop.
"Now, go on, take your hook!" said the PC.
"Sorry? I misunderheard you, officer." said the spy "You can't mean me, I wouldn't say boo to a goo!"
"Look" said the PC "we know you're a master of all trades and jack of the land but you'll have to move on from here."
"No" said the spy "I won't be shoehorned into a cul-de-sac. I've done nothing wrong!"
"Listen, sir," said the woman WPC "this is not totally prefabricated. We've had a complaint about you and you must leave the hotel or accompany us to the station."
"What?" said the spy "Just because someone has a bee between his bonnet I've going to be left out to rack and dry? Don't listen to those two over there, it's all tickle tackle!"
"Look, sir, move on now before you start to get too clever for your boots." said the PC
"Ok, OK," said the spy "It looks like I'm in a catch 52 situation and sandwiched in a cavalcade." And with that he jumped up from his chair and made a beehive for the door, with the police officers in hot pursuit.
"It's going to be a close run ship, but he won't get far." I said "He's a bit lapsy daisy and runs all uncoordinated, all dangly."
"Well at least we've cut him out of the equation." said Miriam.
"Oh, speaking of vasectomies, God, that hurt, I'll not do that again! It's a pity Durex don't make aural contraceptives isn't it?"
"Huh! You think that's bad, you want to try CABG grafts; we have to use lacerated knives to cut through them. That would make your eyes water!"
"Look, can we get back to the business at hand? Is there anything else you want to ask me while I've got all my fingertips?" I said
"No." said Miriam "But just remember, some people think that running a school is as easy as ABC. We'll it isn't. The legal guidebook on things like this is quite a think tomb. As always the proof will be in the pudding. Leave it with me and I'll get back to you in a day or two."
"Fine." I said "But remember, at the minute the platform is a blank canvas so let's prioritise it for later."
"I'll be in touch" said Miriam, "it won't be long before you can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." And with that she left the hotel.
