The room fell silent as the Colonel rose to speak - everyone was champion at the bit. Looking at the sheaf of papers in front of him, I could see that the Colonel was likely to be on his feet for some time. His handwriting looked a bit iffy, he must have been well out of salts when he wrote his speech. Nevertheless, I had heard that the Colonel was a good after dinner speaker - a function I'd not fulfil for all the money in China - although he has been known to use negative and fowl language. He put on his new gold-rimmed glasses; I could see from the engraving on the case that they were D&G - Dolland & Aitchison.
"Members, extinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen," the Colonel began, "as I sat down to write this speech I found myself looking back to the halogen days of my youth. When I was born I was very young. Our Christmas traditions were different every year and I would only take advice from my parents with a dose of salts. I've recently been looking up old chums on Friends Reinvented. I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. How much big was their hearts? When my grandfather pasted away he was so fat he was obeast........", the Colonel droned on and on and on.
I was shocked. This was becoming a dirge. The Colonel was so depressing. Everyone had been drinking and having a good time and the Colonel was becoming the Kilroy at the party. I'd be driving home tomorrow night, in the cold light of day, thinking about Miriam's decision to ask the Colonel to speak. He was putting a carwash on the whole event. I guessed he'd had too much to drink.
"My mother always said that drink would be the urination of us all." the Colonel chuntered on. And it looks like it will be for this event, I thought. How could I get him to liven up or shut up?
"I must say a big thank you to the hotel chef, I really enjoyed the beef tonight, tomorrow I'll get him to knock up a nice chicken chaser."
I really had to get my coat on about this and do something to sort it out, fast. Otherwise I'd be hung, drawn and gallowed. I got up from the table and made my way to the back of the dining room. Fortunately, the lights had been dimmed and I was able to sneak across the room without attracting too much attention. Billy had seen my departure and joined me at the doorway. He looked pitch white. "This is awful!" he said "He's gone off his trolley. He's made a real dog's meal of it. What can we do? You're looking down the barrel of an unwanted record here!"
I told him that I had realised that already so we'd have to prioritise that for later. I told him we had to cut to the chaff. I didn't mind putting my head on the parapet, and we'd all had enough of this, we'd have to kill it on the head, now! With a swift blow from my fist I smashed the glass on the fire alarm. "Well done," Billy said, "that's really put the jam on the cake and put the fly among the pigeons!" I told him not to count his chicken's before the ink's dry!
Instantly, bells rang out in the hotel. The guests in the dining room jumped to their feet shouting this like "Embrace yourselves, girls!" "What am I supposed to do, jump around like a headless camel!" The guests started running for the exits and making their way to the car park. We weren't out of the woodwork yet but it was a start.
In all the panic I wondered what had happened at the top table. I collared one of the members who was passing by and asked her what had happened to the Colonel's speech. She told me that he had just melted off into significance. Right that's it, I thought, the snail has turned. I needed to seek out Miriam and give her an ultimation.
