There may be lessons for all of us in some of these stories......................
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favourite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his six- shooter to the bandit's head. "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out.", he said. But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a man who could speak both Spanish and English was in the saloon and he offers to translate for the Ranger. He tells the bandit, he is under arrest, and the ranger wants to know where he hid the loot. The bandit replies in Spanish "Go to hell!". The ranger tells the translator "Did you tell him I will shoot him, if he doesn't tell me?". The translator repeats this to the bandit. The bandit spits at the ranger. The ranger shoots him in the kneecap and puts the gun again to the bandits head. He tells the translator "Tell him this is his last chance. He tells me where the money is, or I kill him." The bandit is screaming in pain and cursing the ranger. But he is also scared for his life now. The terrified bandit blurts out, in Spanish, "The money from all my robberies is buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina." "What did he say?" asks the Ranger. The translator answers, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare kill me'."
Searching the Swiss history archives, an eminent professor has discovered that local hero and revolutionary William Tell and his family were all avid nine-pin bowlers. Unfortunately, all the bowling league records were destroyed in the great fire of 1345, so now we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
The final of the 2006 annual world tea-making championships was between two gentlemen from England - Clarence and James. Clarence was asked to prepare a continental tea, specifically China tea in the style of the Emperor Hang So. Clarence set to work with China tea, emperor penguin droppings and water from the Yangtze. After much blending, sieving, stirring and refining he offered up his brew for tasting by the judges. After a period of sipping and spitting the judges remarked that the tea had been blended and prepared to perfection. Clarence was in the lead.
James was asked to prepare an Australia tea - Koala blend to be specific - but in the style of tea drinkers in and around Liverpool, England. James set to work with eucalyptus leaves, Koala droppings and a pint of water from the river Mersey. Again, after much blending, stirring and refining he poured the liquid through a muslin bag to draw out all of the solids before offering up his brew for tasting by the judges. The judges all agreed that James’ tea tasted superb. However, due to one fatal error in the preparation process, he could only be awarded second place. As the judges pointed out, he had forgotten something that even Shakespeare knew - the Koala tea of Mersey is not strained!
Two beggars decide it is foolish to beg in the streets for one penny at a time. Instead, they go to the King and beg for a huge sum, so that they can retire from beggary forever. The King has them executed. Too late they realize, don't put all your begs in one ask-it.
A group of Grand Master chess players checked into a hotel and, while waiting for dinner, stood around in the lobby bragging about their recent tournament victories. This went on for about an hour until the manager stormed out of the office and ordered them to disperse. "But why?", they asked. "Because," he roared "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
The head cashier of the local branch of Noreast Bank, a Miss Patricia Wax (known to her friends as Patty), was surprised one day to see a small green frog walk up to her counter.
"Good morning" said the frog "I'd like to take out a loan of £30,000, please."
"One moment, sir" said Patty "Can I have your name please?"
"Certainly" said the frog "I'm Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger."
"Oh yes!" said Patty, in a slightly concerned manner "And what will you be putting up as collateral against the loan?"
"I'll leave this small, china statue of the leaning tower of Pisa"
"Please wait one moment, sir" said Patty "I'll need to check this with the manager."
With that said, she went off to see the manager, Mr Martin, to obtain his views on the proposed loan.
"Mr Martin, sir." she said "There's a small green frog outside who claims to be a son of Mick Jagger and is asking for a loan of £30,000 with this china ornament as collateral. What do you think?"
The manager was furious at her incompetence and shouted in a very abrupt manner, "It's a knick knack, Patty Wax, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
After a heavy day's digging at an archaeological site in Norway, scientists uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god. It was a wondrous piece of sculpture: flowing beard, bulging muscles, an imposing stance and of course his famous giant hammer. But most important of all, the eyes in his noble-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glistened in the bright northern sunlight.
Of course, each of the two leading archaeologists on the dig were determined to ensure that it was their name alone that was listed against the discovery and that they should claim the priceless rubies. Consequently, an argument began building to the point where the rest of the team, despite being exhausted after a day's hard work, gathered round to watch.
The two archaeologists continued squabbling, and then fighting, for some time and provided the others with a source of great entertainment for the evening. By the time the fight was finally over and the two protagonists had called a truce and agreed to share the spoils, everyone else was feeling quite refreshed and rejuvenated by the experience. As the crowd dispersed, one chap turned to his friend, and said: "Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes, wasn't it?"
Is it worth relating that great Norse epic poem at this point:
The Thunder god rode of to war upon his favourite filly,
"I'm Thor!", he cried
his horse replied,
"coth you forgot your thaddle, thilly!"
(no probably not)
After many years of courtship, Robin Hood and the Maid Marion eventually married and lived together in Sherwood Forest. There they raised a son, Robert, of whom they were both very proud. As young Robert became older - about five or six - he was keen to explore the forest and discover what lay in and around the merry men's camp.
As a caring parent, Robin Hood was keen to ensure that young Robert should not be allowed to get lost in the dense greenery around the camp and so he made for young Robert a small hunting horn, carved from an old oak tree branch. Robin told young Robert that if he ever became lost in the forest he should blow on the horn to summon help.
Robert spent many days learning how to blow the horn and it was during this time that the wood around the mouthpiece gradually became wet and soggy and, not unnaturally, some of the resin and bark particles began to enter Robert's mouth and into his blood stream.
After a few days young Robert became very ill, with violent shooting pains and stomach cramps to the point where he was almost dying. Robin asked Friar Tuck to use his medical skills to examine the boy and establish what was causing the illness. After only minutes of examination the Friar announced that it was obvious what has caused the illness because, as he said, "Every one knows that great aches from little oak horns grow."
Dundee United were due to meet Arbroath in the Scottish Cup Final. Two Dundee United supporters who were studying for a degree in medicine at the local university were concerned that, based on recent form, Arbroath would walk all over their Dundee team. So, the night before the big game they broke into the changing room that would be used by the Arbroath team during the following day's big match. They injected a clear liquid chemical substance of their own devising into the water of the water cooler that stood in the Arbroath changing room and also into the player's water bottles that would be used throughout the game; they then beat a hasty retreat.
At the end of the ninety minutes of the following day's soccer match, Arbroath had played extremely poorly throughout - no energy and glazed expressions on tired, sad faces - and they had been soundly beaten 8-0. Dundee United were proclaimed cup winners and the two students were over the moon that their cunning plan had worked. However, the students had not realised that the previous night's raid had been caught on CCTV and that those pictures had been compared with CCTV footage of every fan that entered the ground to watch the cup match. The two had been identified by security staff during the second half and then arrested after the game. They were taken away to the police station and charged. The local evening newspaper reported "Two medic crooks spoil Arbroath!"
Bill and John were two rival canoeists at the local sailing club. Every time that Bill upgraded his canoe with the latest 'go faster' or safety device then so too did John. For example, Bill added two coats of speed wax to reduce water friction so John added three coats and a special Teflon varnish. To improve speed through the water, Bill re-engineered the angle of his paddle blades using a very complex mathematical formula so John changed his paddle design using CAD. The final blow came when Bill added a solar panels to his wet suit to help retain body heat during winter training. John, as always, had to go one better and installed a full solar powered central heating system inside his canoe. However, the heating system was way over the top and far too heavy for such a small and light vessel and on its first trial run the canoe, with John inside it, sank slowing under the waves. Which only goes to prove: you can't always have your kayak and heat it!
During the 19th century in deepest, darkest Africa a local tribal warlord, Alkan the Lion of Heckawy, eventually and after years of bloody battles, conquered his greatest rival and took over his village, his people and his belongings and, in the process, burned and looted many of the village's thatched huts. Alkan declared himself Ruler of the Plains and announced plans for his immediate enthronement.
The people of the surrounding villages spent many days preparing the site of the coronation with flowers, animal skins, drums of all shapes and sizes and, taking the centre stage, an enormous carved wooden throne. The throne had been a prized possession of the recently conquered village, but during the long war years it had been hidden away for safe keeping, along with other village treasure, in a dark, damp cave.
On the day of the coronation the great Alkan walked majestically along the petal-strewn path towards the throne, the local villagers cheering to order under threat of death. As he reached the dais he turned, gave a brief acknowledgement to the crowd and proudly sat on his large wooden throne. At this point the throne creaked, groaned and smashed into a hundred jagged pieces, the largest of which came from one of the back legs and pierced Alkan's body from below causing much watering of the eyes and a swift passage to death. As the village elders pondered this shocking turn of events, one old and wise sage was heard to say "I've always maintained that people in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones!"
If you have any wisdom to impart, let us know by email.
